Heng ah. 20/40 for Janice's test. Piang eh, damn lucky. Hehe, new lappy's coming tml!!! Haiz. Assignments are coming one by one with 2 to hand in on week 13. Sian. Plus with test on week 12. Jia lat. Gotta study soon.
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
5:55 PM
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Summary for the week: Met up to do project with zink then work on Thursday. Watched Transformers with lil bro before chionging for work on Friday, chilled out with HAHA yst.
Well, it's been 2 and a half long years together with my lappy. Just bought the wire that allows u to plug and connect yr lappy to yr tv and view myr lappy screen from yr tv. Cool hor? Haha. Anyway, this would most probably be the last time I'll ever blog on my lappy now that I'm waiting for the new one to arrive.
Haha, me and my lappy shared great memories together. It taught me several valuable things. Lappy taught me that:
1) People at acer were evil and wanted to suck my blood by making me visit their blasted acer service centre 5 times
2) The importance of patience
3) The potential of 1GB RAM, my new one has 4GB RAM in it!!!
However the most important thing that my lappy has taught me is that: ACER sucks...
Despite how I treated u, u seldom show me the blue screen. I'm so touched... Thank you for surviving for so long despite me projecting that u dying in 2 years. Thank you for hat extra half a year ah. Appreciate it loads.
Oh well, new lappy's coming either this week or next week. Jialat. Haiz.
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
5:04 PM
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Life without a lappy sucks. To think it had to die like that at such a time. I still own Ms Audrey a document which should have been done a long time ago. Shit. Peng san sia. Haiz.
Oh well. Anyway my crisis are being solved one by one so far. Hopefully the major one will end soon. I am turely grateful to have such a wonderful team that all habor the same thoughts and goal. Hopefully we do achieve what we set out to achieve in the first place. Enough of the getting nowhere part. We will and we must.
Sad that training was canceled today. Glad there's IMH session later. Then vball on sat at CCH. Another 3 vs 6 sounds appealing. Haha.
Life's turning around now. Yay!!!
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
4:51 PM
Monday, June 22, 2009
Well,things are starting to look up. Hope it stays that way. Gotta wait for 2 weeks before I can get my new laptop. Haiz. Gonna peng san. Fingers crossed.
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
8:41 PM
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Yesterday's vball friendly matches was frustrating, even though we had 4 key players who didn't turn up, we played like shit. I didn't have the chance to contribute much and it was saddening to see us lose 25-13. I needa buck up even more to help this team. With POL-ITEs coming in July 13th, I gotta work extra hard to bring glory to myself and to NP. Haiz.
Guess I won't be getting a new laptop then huh?
Haiz, my mum only takes her own point of view along with my aunt's. No point reasoning with her anymore. Anything I bother saying would automatically be shot down. Just like just now. Laptop in exchange for no marathons. Haiz. Guess Army Half & WHR would be my last runs for now if I shut up and listen to her sprout rubbish out of her narrow minded brain of hers. Life sucks...
I am really blessed to have kevin offering to pass me his old lappy to help me tide over it for a while. I really feel like quitting school now. Lappy = my future. The fact that she slams me down and disregards me tells me that she's openly throwing my future away.
I've worked so hard, had countless lousy nights, stressing over numerous assignments and shit, working out and constantly thinking about my future, how am I going to support my mother, family. And yet she can tell me this? Saying things like I don't know my financial situation just like my aunt.
What's me being unreasonable by asking for $1300 for just this one time, in fact I have never asked u for money for the past 4 years. What's more I don't want your money, I only want a loan. A LOAN!!! And I even chose the cheapest laptop to purchase, I could have chosen a macbook if I wanted to and demand that she buys it for me, if she doesn't I'll run out of the hse but I did not. Because I understand where's she's coming from but her mere accusations angers me.
After all I have done, getting u a cake for mother's day out of my already strained budget, offering to help u with simple things like cooking and stuff, playing with my youngest brother whenever I can and yet she can totally disregard all of that and slam me for my mistake. I broke the laptop but it was an accident!!! I admitted that it was my fault and yet she persistently ranted at me for me. And she was darn harsh about it too. As if I was in the wrong for the past 4 years.
Sometimes, I cried about being in such a state at night. There I've said it, and I do not regret being in such a situation. I've matured and grew out of it. But sometimes, circumstances like this reminds me about it.
Then I look at the photo of u, and I realise that I will never be good enough for u. U deserve way better which was why I can not contact u for days. I tried numbing the pain but I couldn't and I was so selfish as to contact u still. I hope I don't carry on contacting u and getting u to like me even though I can't help myself.
Let me be darn honest with everyone, when my dad first left the family, it was like a crushing blow to me. I've lost that sense of attachment to someone important and that there was a huge gap in my life. Then my beloved uncle came into the picture and became fatherly figure to me, I was happy then. When he passed away, I remember crying in the toilet, tearing when I saw his body at the funeral, I lost everything then. I needed to feel loved by someone special. My mum couldn't give me that because I had 2 younger brothers who need her love more than I do then. But it was unfair, I had no say. I quietly accepted it with no questions asked. Most of the time as I had no money to go out, I was alone. My friends can never be there 24/7. Loneliness kills, love didn't exist.
Which was why I jumped in straight away into my first relationship. I thought that I had someone who could love me like finally! But it was ... I didn't expect her to do what she did. That day my heart was literally shattered, like how my dad and uncle left me. I couldn't contain that immense pain. I lost all faith. Which was why it took me more than 2 years to get over it. Sentimental? I was devastated then.
Then it happened again last year. I was listless and blindly accepted the breakup, acknowledging about her feelings over my own. I didn't want to feel the pain so I broke off all contact with her.
Then she came along. I was thrilled. I saw a sense of purpose in life. I was optimistic. I did all I could to get her to like me. All the handmade gifts, sandwich, strepsils, I tried my best. But still... And yet I kept holding on because I believed in her. I really do. Regardless of her harsh tone and initial coldness towards me. Seeing her, talking to her, messaging her mobile was bliss to me. But it wasn't enough. It'll never will be. Going out with her didn't happen during the last holidays, before that, due to the messages she send, I thought that we were on the way to becoming official. I was really very happy at that point of time. I felt as though I had a new attachment! Someone who would give me unconditional love and care for me and be there for me whenever I needed her. I was darn excited. But I was also wrong...I felt cheated and in the pits but still I hung on. I misinterpreted everything wrongly. Up to now, I dare not read into everything she says, which is why I still do not know how she feels about me. My only guess is that she treats me as a friend, period. I think about her everyday even though logic tells me not to. Is it just me or what? I cannot figure that out. I don't expect any pity from u all. I just want u all to know my story...
I've been keeping quiet abt this all these while until now. It was also the reason why I may just withdraw and keep quiet at times during sch where my classmates would ask me why I am emo and stuff. Now u all know.
Guns pointing at me from all directions with only a shield to block one attack. My 2 loved ones darn stubborn and failing to see my point of view. With juliet's test, assignments to do, charity run things to handle, upcoming POL-ITE games next month, service learning, how I wish that something good would happen for a change.
Optimism cannot get u far without hard work and luck.
I've said my piece...
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
7:49 AM
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Someone up there is definitely making fun of me. My specs screw can't be screwed back anymore. Which means army specs comes in. Zzz... To be honest, I'm kinda sick of living right now. So many stressors, so little resources to cope with. Haven't had a proper night's sleep in a long time. How I wish for that now. Every night, different things stress me up that I can't sleep. Really feel like dying having to deal with so many shit thrown at me and there's like no resources for me to turn to besides my bros. Glad haha was there when I needed him last night. Thanks a lot man. Let's hope I don't have to turn to the last option.
Saw u on monday and just now. Dunno if I should even say hi anymore. Haiz. Sometimes, I really feel like ending all contact with you to save me from the misery of thinking abt u but I know that I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I do.
It's impossible to live life without regrets. Realistically speaking. The person who tells u that is probably living in his own fantasy now man. Oh well. Gotta push on, stand up and battle against all stressors that are thrown at me. School, family, run, u... Like haha, I seriously dread sch now, this is the worse sem ever. I HATE THIS SEM!!! Suddenly I felt as though I have no control over my life anymore. I'm terribly overwhelmed. =((( Feel like running away from everything. Go on a holiday if I could. Relax by the beach. Not do anything nor think about anything, even u. I'm being burdened by so many crisis that I have no solutions to. \
Hopefully I have enough mental strength to do so now. As hard as it may be, I gotta do what I have to do. Sometimes I feel like ending my life but I know for a fact is that that will not do me any good. I'll probably end up in hell and have to deal with even more stress down there, so I'll take my chances here. If I do commit suicide, I have to answer to so many people-my family, the kids from SAC, my lecturers, my bros, my friends, u, practically anyone I come in contact with. Life's a climb. Gotta deal with it no matter what...
Can't wait to see Kevin and attend vball training tml...
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
7:04 PM
How can u say that I do spare a thought for my mum? If I really did, then I would have been asking her for that macbook instead of a $1300 laptop from lenovo. I swear that I have never asked my mum for material goods throughout these 4 years. I have not been a spendthrift because I clearly understand my family's financial situation. Maybe even better than you do, so talk to me only after u have been in my shoes. U say that whatever that happens between my parents has nothing to do with u, BULLSHIT!!! Why am I caught in the situation that I am in now if what u claim is true. U are NOT always right and I am NOT always wrong. What u said tells me that u only side my mum and that u totally disregard my feelings and that I am in the wrong. Yes I admit I was wrong to have caused my laptop's screen to crack, but have u considered how I felt after that?
Am I immature now? Ur family is a well off one, u live in a semi-d, u drive big cars, u own a business. What abt me? I have $5 a day to survive on, I take public transport, I have to reject going out with my friends because I cannot afford to. U have any idea how it feels like saying that for the past 4 years? And yet I never once complained nor did I ask my mother for money. Why am I suffering all these while because of what my parents did? That's the reason why I would never talk to him anymore...
I believe that I am far more matured than u give me credit for...Who says all adults think maturely? I am disappointed with u. I thought that u would understand my situation. BULLSHIT!!! I still had to put up with your reprimanding, u do have any idea how it will affect me psychologically? Turns out that there are no reliable adults I can turn to. Why is it that they can't see things from another point of view? Why is it that people judge u on the surface without truly making the effort to understand u? And u say that I'm rude, who's the rude one?
I have numerous assignments to clear up, I have to put up with shit from the run project, I still have to bear the weight of her crumbling down on me. I am not happy anymore. Somehow u may just wonder why all of this is the way it is? Setting out to wanna do something for others and receive nothing but shit in the end.
I'm stressed, I am beaten and battered. I feel lousy,inferior, stupid. Misunderstood, alone...
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
9:55 AM
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Friendly at NYP was alright. I didn't play too badly nor did I play too well. Frustrated man. Gotta improve or I'll see myself axed from the starting lineup.
Girls frustrate me. The thought of you every day seems to take a heavy toll on me. I see photos of you and your friends on fb, I envy them a lot. Wondering how lucky they are to enjoy and bask in your company. You tell that I mean something to you, I have no idea what that means at all. =( Feeling extremely downhearted and ridiculous now. Guess you probably see me as a weakling now...
Hope that ah chuan can tide over your crisis soon.
Can't sleep...
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
12:30 AM
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Well, a lot of things has been going through my mind and after heart to heart talks with zink, well she made absolute sense. But then again, it's not my nature and I do not want to do it. So many things are running in my head now. I become moody and unmotivated. For the kids, I have to go on and take all the shit the world throws at me.
There are so many things I wanna say to you in person, if only I could, I am not optimistic... =(
Tml's meeting with Ms Janice in the morning and playing vball at NYP night, can't wait...
Gonna bring my little bro to watch Hannah Montana movie this Tuesday. That brats smirking now. Haha.
Snoozy...
fengkai blogged at...
9:23 PM
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
When I first saw today's paper, my first thought was "piang eh, fail liao..." Struggled today even though I did studied for it. A pass is good enough for me.
Haha's bugging me. No mood to study? Ponning his own award ceremony? Man we needa talk fast.
Meeting yijie to do project tml. Then it's work from 1 to 9.
Hopefully I'll be free to gym before work again on Friday & seeing off manny & jing jing on Saturday!
Vball at IMH later.
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
6:19 PM
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Just finished studying for Janice's test. A lot of SQBS to learn. -_____-!!!
Oh well. Happy bdae to Ah chuan!!!
Can't wait for CT to end tml before going to IMH to play vball. Gotta work on thursday & friday with 2 assignments to have in as well. Hopefully I'll be free next week.
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
5:55 PM
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Laugh like siao sia!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
10:00 PM
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Well, I had the most sleep I have had in weeks this week. Feeling a lot more positive. Haha. The down side of it all is that I still have a lot of work to do. Juliet's project next friday which I have no idea how to get started on, ppt for run (btw we got some funding le, hehe) and Janice's CT next wed.
Had Glen's presentation & vball training on wed. Glad the presentation turned out alright. However, my body is still not used to training after such a long time. I still needa improve a lot and be more mindful about my body and things I need to do to execute the drills better. The only thing I can comment myself on is my stamina and jumping ability.
Had IS presentation and meeting with Trevor at SAC after that. Man was it darn fruitful. We got our funding. Hehe
Did 2 sessions of gym yst. Worked 2 shifts with Careen & Cheri! Did one session of back, biceps, abs & triceps in my 1 hr break and chest, shoulders, legs after my work. Ran 5 km oso. Damn proud of ah chuan, persevered for 4km around the track. Good job mate.
Guess I'm too lazy to blog about the cambodia trip le. Let the pics do the blogging for me. Hehe.
Slack first, talk later...
fengkai blogged at...
5:02 PM
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I am drained. Literally, for weeks and weeks it has been like this and yet I have not complained. Not one bit. To tolerate and withstand all the shit that has been thrown at me and not say a word.
Take ownership of things that should be non of my concern and non of my business. Strangely I began to see it recently. I am tired and unmotivated. I feel neglected and I feel that I may have lost that drive to do things.
Am I that bad that I have to redo 2 assignments for 2 different modules?
Am I that bad as to ....?
Am I wrong to .....?
Why am I so stupid as to ....?
Am I in no position to ....?
Am I wrong for caring and working so hard for.....?
Being professional wrong?
Being farsighted wrong?
Putting in effort wrong?
Being matured a crime?
I'm just throwing in random thoughts all over. And please don't read into it and ask me. I don't wanna say it.
I feel....?
I feel .....?
I feel ...?
I feel .....?
What did I do wrong?
Why can't see it in my point of view?
Why .....?
Why ......?
Why ........?
I just feel so drained mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically...
I have not had a good week's rest for a long time already...
Why am I still subconsciously hanging on to something that I know will never come true for me?
Forget about it....
Bb...
fengkai blogged at...
10:47 PM
Monday, June 1, 2009
Heya all.
Overall, the past week was darn hectic. Many assignments and deadlines to meet. It was certainly very stressful but glad it's over even though I still have a new set of deadlines to meet this week -___________________-!!!
Me just finished Sundown yesterday morning. The route was shit. Really hated it a lot. So many slopes and 5 OVERHEAD BRIDGE!!! FREAKING 5 MAN!!! Leg cramped up on me and buanged up. Walked for over 10+km and ran walk ran walk like siao but glad to race the last 3km and end before 6 hours. Ran with nic & nara. Saw serene, jy & zl too. Haha. Did proj and stayed over at tecky's hse after snoozing at home. Biggest ty to tecky's dad for his dinner treat, the crayfish was awesome!!!
